Look at them shine

the UPS van man who dented my car is gonna get some of my rath. he dents my car, i cant prove it as the cctv does not cover the outside of my work building. the dent and scratches are brown from the vans paint, people saw him arrive and leave, but still cant prove he did it. i have no witneses..but know it was him. my work accepts no responsibility for the cars in the car park, yet the car park was full and i had to park on the drive way in, as all the staff do. not only can i not usually get parked at work, pretty important so i can see my patients, im not covered if it gets damaged. unfair i think. also the cctv in the building shows him coming in and out of the building but if i want a copy making the company will charge me 31 quid....bastards.

so if the UPS company dont admit liability i will have to pay my excess, £250 of my hard earned money..bastaaaaaaards.

my lovely lovely car is tainted. and when i see the UPS van man again i will make him pay. in the mean time all my anger is directed towards him, i hope he cant sleep tonight for the guilt.

im off to chill out and reason to myself why revenge is uncool.

in the midst of feeling relaxed and reading about the soul and universe, im always amazed at how my fellings of anger, rage and hate can emerge at the speed of light. these feelings drag me down into a person that i dont like.

just when i feel normal, like i have an ounce of freedom and grace in my life i let myself let others piss me off. my husband has gone from hero to villian in the space of a day. yes, its probably my hormones but when he turns me down for sex when we have been trying to concieve for over 2 years, at the time in ovulating as he says we are having it for the wrong reasons...i want to suffocate him in his sleep. all my feelings of love seep away, i forget how supportive he has seemed recently in relation to the IVF we are waiting for (i have unexplained infertility) and all i can think of is how selfish he is. all i can think of is that he would rather me go through IVF and all the pain and stress this causes than make love to me, just because he doesnt feel like it. alot of the time i dont want to perform either, but i make it as varied and exciting as i can. he just has to turn up, enjoy the effort im putting in.

when confronted with my feelings he says im being mardy, and there is nothing he can do. well he could say sorry, i understand the pressure your under and i will try and make things easlier for you. but no, he just fucks off to work leaving me on my day off feeling like i want to break something. the feelings of rage still swirling.

i also know that i will can to make it up with him if im in any way going to manage to get him into bed to try to conceive this month. the doctor says its less likely to concieve after i have completed 6 months on clomid (ovulatory drug)..but for me that means not impossible. if my hubby had sais he didnt feel like it now, maybe later, or i dont want you getting your hopes up then fine. but no communication isnt good. im aware i may seem high maintainance, but christ, this is important to me, i dont hassle him to do or be anything else.

im finding writing this is cathartic, exactly why i came back on blog. i hope that through writing my thoughts down i gain some perspective, see the other side of the story. thats great presuming i can be objective...when it come to having a baby, i suppose i will always be more emotive. rest assured, he will be my hero again in few days.

calm, think calm, calm, calm!!

im petrified, im all in a state. ive just found out i need IVF..just been put on the waiting list. it wasnt meant to be like this, my life i mean. why was i not told life would be this hard, i dont just mean infertility problems that have made me feel scared and resentful, but also everything else. dont get me wrong i have alot to be gratefull for, loving husband, family and a few close friends...good job (but very stressful), nice enough house, nice car. ok seems like im bragging, im not, materialistically lifes great and im grateful for these things, i know others may not be as fortunate as me.

what i mean is despite all these great things im still an emotional cripple, blighted by anxiety with the words 'what if' running constantly through my mind. maybe if i was from a third world country and all i needed to think of was where the next meal was coming from i would not have these issues...i say this flippently...it is not meant in that way.

so IVF, i always thought great for others who cant concieve...i wont need that, i'll be fine...all i want to scream is its so unfair, but realise im no longer a toddler and can t stamp my feet and get my way. i want children, but cant help thinking about the unnaturalness, please dont judge me, im not anti this procedure, but took for granted i wouldnt have problems. my mind immediately thought if i did have an IVF baby, would they resent me when i told them, would i feel weird towards them knowing they were conceived in a petri dish? who knows, i just needed to air my irrational fears. i know i need to be grateful of the opportunity as if this was 20 odd years ago i would even have this solution.

my hubby siad he would do the injections every day as i fear needles. what can i say he's a treasure, he has been so patient with me throughout the time of fertility treatment so far. i hate the thought of being the one with the issue, but better for my hubby as i probably wouldhave been less understanding, im aware this is selfish its just the wanting for a baby over years of trying can result in blinkered vision.

the waiting list is probably 18 weeks so i have some accepting to do, im still in denial i think. this may be self indulgent rubbish, but helps me process my thoughts. ive not written a blog for ages...i now recall how cathartic this is. enough for now though as my mum says analysis leads to paralysis

sigh

yes im officially in lonely biscuit town...my hubby is away in scotland, and im on me todd! i went out for drinkies last night with chums and had a great time, but ive had only about 2 hous sleep as i hate being on my own in the house over night, im such a weedy pigeon. i always think the burglars will choose the exact night my husband is away to break in and pillage the house and me!. i know im paranoid...to the extent ive been up since 5.30am as i couldnt tolerate lying in bed thinking so i got the tinty web on and banged on a couple of episodes of columbo!! ...er just one more thing!

so ive been incredibly busy for weeks now, what with my mums and my health problems, and being stressed about an impending job interview and trying to make the house nice as we are selling it.

good news...i got my promotion, but they have swindled me out of my pay increment (long story) ...bastard NHS. and i have a house viewing on sunday. weeve put an offer in on a house but its dependent on selling ours. oh also i have the race for life tomorow...im not able to run it as ive been so unwel, but its taking part that counts right?!

so its getting to the interesting bit with the lieutenant...im off for now!

i borrowed this from youtube...for all those who are dying to ask yes it is still available on DVD and video!!

if he wasnt married, and i wasnt married...christ he would have to beat me off with a big stick|!!

walking in a waddle wonderland..

check this out its pretty cool, chris corner of sneaker pimps...found out about them due to links with mighty boosh cast and R.I.D girls.

its been a while since i wrote anything, my life has been really weird for the past few weeks, as you might be aware ive has thyroid problems, then my mum was diagnosed with thyroid problems..then a few days later she collapsed in the garden, bless her she looked like a battered wife, we spend another glorious evening / night in A&E making sure she was ok. thankfully she is fine, but still having anxiety do's and palpitations...shes under investigation by the cardiology team. i hate the fact my parents are aging, at times they look so frail and vulnerable and both are under 60! i know i cant stop time, so im spending as much of my time with them, im lucky i get on wit them unbelievably well, as does my hubby, he actually calls my dad "dad", and we go away on hols together, and me and my mum go shoppin whilst the boys go for beverages

in addition to this run of bad things happening to my mum, me and my husband are getting on soooo well, we went through a bad patch a while ago, i just used to have a go all the time, now i know alot of that was down to how my faulty thyroid affected my emotional state...a book i have been reading on thyroid dysfunction states that many people with hyperthyroid end up seperating / divorsing from partners as they have bursts of anger and argue all the time, not being able to control their anger. so i have been appologising profusely, not for everythin you understand, he's still a git sometimes, but has been really understanding for months and months. he has been syaing since new year that he wants us to have a baby, and without details weve started trying, im taking folic acid now on the recommendation of a good friend, and my hubby keeps being fab, teling me in the middle of shopping in town how he cant wait for me to have his babies and that we can move house sometime this year (another story, but thats been a long fought battle to move), i hate being all happy sometimes when others may be feeling rubbish, but you have to enjoy the good bits or they pass you by..right!?

theres no place like home...

as i was growing up i used to think i was adopted, partly due o the fact my brother and sister would tell me i was! anyway, i used to believe them as my sister looked like my mum and my brother like my dad...me..i didnt look like either, plus the fact they said they didnt have a camera at the time i was born and only had pictures of me from about the age of 2 ish. suspicious you may say...but my parents reassured me that i was indeed a seed from their loins (shudder). i accepted this..as ive grown older i have started to look like my mum, ive grown my hair, slimmed down and everyone we meet says we look somewhat alike. i love this i finally have the connection i longed for as a child. to boot, i have my dads assertiveness (aggression!) and temperament, this is also handy to get ahead in life. unfortunatley i got the stocky / short gene from my dad! anyway, to the point, i feel like me and my mum are two peas in a pod, and as some of you may recall my ramblings about my health, i am hyperthyroid....well not to be left out my mum's just been diagnosed as hypothyroid..so weird, not heard a sausage about these disorders now its running in the family, and being featured on holby city! my sister is going to be tested next, were going for a hat trick!.
we will be the font of all knowledge for thyroid defunctness!!!!

the results are in....i saw my consultant endocrinologist on monday and he diagnosed me with Grave's Disease, one of the most common causes of hyperthyroidism (over active thyroid). everything has slotted into place, all my symptoms which i thought i was imagining have been confirmed, im not going mad, these things are really happening. my consultant checked me over and determined that ive had the autoimmune disorder for about 4 months, and that the fatigue, shortness of breath and inability to run more than about 200 yards is all related to my thyroid which has left me with muscle weakness and wastage of my upper and lower limbs. obviously im upset that all these syptoms are present but im so grateful to whatever compelled me to get checked in the first place, if i had shrugged off the symptoms as stress or generally feelling unwell and thought it would have got better, i could have ended up infirtile or having a heart attack in severe cases.

so, the consultant told me what course of action to take, i continue to take my medication for approx 18 months, (rather than radioiodine treatment or surgery) as he said the medication is about 70% effective for women under 30 years old, and that those women who do become pregnant often dont need to take meds during the term of pregnancy as the syptoms resolve (but come back with a vengence after the baby is born). some women become very unwell during pregnancy but can have surgery to remove the thyroid if necessary. so, in short, i carry on taking the tablets, try to get pregnant, if and when i do, i get checked monthly for my throid levels. the consultant was fantastic, so fantastic explaining everything and made the hard decisions for me which is what i wanted.

so, all remains for me is to get pregnant..it may take a while but me and my hubby will try our best again, thank god for small mercies, if i hadnt of known, i would have had difficlty concieving and most probably miscarried, and not have found out my diagnosis until i needed explorations into my fertility problems. alls well that ends well.