im petrified, im all in a state. ive just found out i need IVF..just been put on the waiting list. it wasnt meant to be like this, my life i mean. why was i not told life would be this hard, i dont just mean infertility problems that have made me feel scared and resentful, but also everything else. dont get me wrong i have alot to be gratefull for, loving husband, family and a few close friends...good job (but very stressful), nice enough house, nice car. ok seems like im bragging, im not, materialistically lifes great and im grateful for these things, i know others may not be as fortunate as me.
what i mean is despite all these great things im still an emotional cripple, blighted by anxiety with the words 'what if' running constantly through my mind. maybe if i was from a third world country and all i needed to think of was where the next meal was coming from i would not have these issues...i say this flippently...it is not meant in that way.
so IVF, i always thought great for others who cant concieve...i wont need that, i'll be fine...all i want to scream is its so unfair, but realise im no longer a toddler and can t stamp my feet and get my way. i want children, but cant help thinking about the unnaturalness, please dont judge me, im not anti this procedure, but took for granted i wouldnt have problems. my mind immediately thought if i did have an IVF baby, would they resent me when i told them, would i feel weird towards them knowing they were conceived in a petri dish? who knows, i just needed to air my irrational fears. i know i need to be grateful of the opportunity as if this was 20 odd years ago i would even have this solution.
my hubby siad he would do the injections every day as i fear needles. what can i say he's a treasure, he has been so patient with me throughout the time of fertility treatment so far. i hate the thought of being the one with the issue, but better for my hubby as i probably wouldhave been less understanding, im aware this is selfish its just the wanting for a baby over years of trying can result in blinkered vision.
the waiting list is probably 18 weeks so i have some accepting to do, im still in denial i think. this may be self indulgent rubbish, but helps me process my thoughts. ive not written a blog for ages...i now recall how cathartic this is. enough for now though as my mum says analysis leads to paralysis
sigh