Look at them shine

the UPS van man who dented my car is gonna get some of my rath. he dents my car, i cant prove it as the cctv does not cover the outside of my work building. the dent and scratches are brown from the vans paint, people saw him arrive and leave, but still cant prove he did it. i have no witneses..but know it was him. my work accepts no responsibility for the cars in the car park, yet the car park was full and i had to park on the drive way in, as all the staff do. not only can i not usually get parked at work, pretty important so i can see my patients, im not covered if it gets damaged. unfair i think. also the cctv in the building shows him coming in and out of the building but if i want a copy making the company will charge me 31 quid....bastards.

so if the UPS company dont admit liability i will have to pay my excess, £250 of my hard earned money..bastaaaaaaards.

my lovely lovely car is tainted. and when i see the UPS van man again i will make him pay. in the mean time all my anger is directed towards him, i hope he cant sleep tonight for the guilt.

im off to chill out and reason to myself why revenge is uncool.

in the midst of feeling relaxed and reading about the soul and universe, im always amazed at how my fellings of anger, rage and hate can emerge at the speed of light. these feelings drag me down into a person that i dont like.

just when i feel normal, like i have an ounce of freedom and grace in my life i let myself let others piss me off. my husband has gone from hero to villian in the space of a day. yes, its probably my hormones but when he turns me down for sex when we have been trying to concieve for over 2 years, at the time in ovulating as he says we are having it for the wrong reasons...i want to suffocate him in his sleep. all my feelings of love seep away, i forget how supportive he has seemed recently in relation to the IVF we are waiting for (i have unexplained infertility) and all i can think of is how selfish he is. all i can think of is that he would rather me go through IVF and all the pain and stress this causes than make love to me, just because he doesnt feel like it. alot of the time i dont want to perform either, but i make it as varied and exciting as i can. he just has to turn up, enjoy the effort im putting in.

when confronted with my feelings he says im being mardy, and there is nothing he can do. well he could say sorry, i understand the pressure your under and i will try and make things easlier for you. but no, he just fucks off to work leaving me on my day off feeling like i want to break something. the feelings of rage still swirling.

i also know that i will can to make it up with him if im in any way going to manage to get him into bed to try to conceive this month. the doctor says its less likely to concieve after i have completed 6 months on clomid (ovulatory drug)..but for me that means not impossible. if my hubby had sais he didnt feel like it now, maybe later, or i dont want you getting your hopes up then fine. but no communication isnt good. im aware i may seem high maintainance, but christ, this is important to me, i dont hassle him to do or be anything else.

im finding writing this is cathartic, exactly why i came back on blog. i hope that through writing my thoughts down i gain some perspective, see the other side of the story. thats great presuming i can be objective...when it come to having a baby, i suppose i will always be more emotive. rest assured, he will be my hero again in few days.

calm, think calm, calm, calm!!

im petrified, im all in a state. ive just found out i need IVF..just been put on the waiting list. it wasnt meant to be like this, my life i mean. why was i not told life would be this hard, i dont just mean infertility problems that have made me feel scared and resentful, but also everything else. dont get me wrong i have alot to be gratefull for, loving husband, family and a few close friends...good job (but very stressful), nice enough house, nice car. ok seems like im bragging, im not, materialistically lifes great and im grateful for these things, i know others may not be as fortunate as me.

what i mean is despite all these great things im still an emotional cripple, blighted by anxiety with the words 'what if' running constantly through my mind. maybe if i was from a third world country and all i needed to think of was where the next meal was coming from i would not have these issues...i say this flippently...it is not meant in that way.

so IVF, i always thought great for others who cant concieve...i wont need that, i'll be fine...all i want to scream is its so unfair, but realise im no longer a toddler and can t stamp my feet and get my way. i want children, but cant help thinking about the unnaturalness, please dont judge me, im not anti this procedure, but took for granted i wouldnt have problems. my mind immediately thought if i did have an IVF baby, would they resent me when i told them, would i feel weird towards them knowing they were conceived in a petri dish? who knows, i just needed to air my irrational fears. i know i need to be grateful of the opportunity as if this was 20 odd years ago i would even have this solution.

my hubby siad he would do the injections every day as i fear needles. what can i say he's a treasure, he has been so patient with me throughout the time of fertility treatment so far. i hate the thought of being the one with the issue, but better for my hubby as i probably wouldhave been less understanding, im aware this is selfish its just the wanting for a baby over years of trying can result in blinkered vision.

the waiting list is probably 18 weeks so i have some accepting to do, im still in denial i think. this may be self indulgent rubbish, but helps me process my thoughts. ive not written a blog for ages...i now recall how cathartic this is. enough for now though as my mum says analysis leads to paralysis

sigh