im petrified, im all in a state. ive just found out i need IVF..just been put on the waiting list. it wasnt meant to be like this, my life i mean. why was i not told life would be this hard, i dont just mean infertility problems that have made me feel scared and resentful, but also everything else. dont get me wrong i have alot to be gratefull for, loving husband, family and a few close friends...good job (but very stressful), nice enough house, nice car. ok seems like im bragging, im not, materialistically lifes great and im grateful for these things, i know others may not be as fortunate as me.
what i mean is despite all these great things im still an emotional cripple, blighted by anxiety with the words 'what if' running constantly through my mind. maybe if i was from a third world country and all i needed to think of was where the next meal was coming from i would not have these issues...i say this flippently...it is not meant in that way.
so IVF, i always thought great for others who cant concieve...i wont need that, i'll be fine...all i want to scream is its so unfair, but realise im no longer a toddler and can t stamp my feet and get my way. i want children, but cant help thinking about the unnaturalness, please dont judge me, im not anti this procedure, but took for granted i wouldnt have problems. my mind immediately thought if i did have an IVF baby, would they resent me when i told them, would i feel weird towards them knowing they were conceived in a petri dish? who knows, i just needed to air my irrational fears. i know i need to be grateful of the opportunity as if this was 20 odd years ago i would even have this solution.
my hubby siad he would do the injections every day as i fear needles. what can i say he's a treasure, he has been so patient with me throughout the time of fertility treatment so far. i hate the thought of being the one with the issue, but better for my hubby as i probably wouldhave been less understanding, im aware this is selfish its just the wanting for a baby over years of trying can result in blinkered vision.
the waiting list is probably 18 weeks so i have some accepting to do, im still in denial i think. this may be self indulgent rubbish, but helps me process my thoughts. ive not written a blog for ages...i now recall how cathartic this is. enough for now though as my mum says analysis leads to paralysis
sigh
malakeas
Pro 
You are not alone. Some many couples suffer infertility problems. And yes, it isn't fair and life sucks but those are the cards you have been dealt with and it may be better (or not) to undergo the treatments just so you know you have tried everything. I understand it is easy words for me to say. Not trying to be glib but supportive.
(((hugs)))