in the midst of feeling relaxed and reading about the soul and universe, im always amazed at how my fellings of anger, rage and hate can emerge at the speed of light. these feelings drag me down into a person that i dont like.
just when i feel normal, like i have an ounce of freedom and grace in my life i let myself let others piss me off. my husband has gone from hero to villian in the space of a day. yes, its probably my hormones but when he turns me down for sex when we have been trying to concieve for over 2 years, at the time in ovulating as he says we are having it for the wrong reasons...i want to suffocate him in his sleep. all my feelings of love seep away, i forget how supportive he has seemed recently in relation to the IVF we are waiting for (i have unexplained infertility) and all i can think of is how selfish he is. all i can think of is that he would rather me go through IVF and all the pain and stress this causes than make love to me, just because he doesnt feel like it. alot of the time i dont want to perform either, but i make it as varied and exciting as i can. he just has to turn up, enjoy the effort im putting in.
when confronted with my feelings he says im being mardy, and there is nothing he can do. well he could say sorry, i understand the pressure your under and i will try and make things easlier for you. but no, he just fucks off to work leaving me on my day off feeling like i want to break something. the feelings of rage still swirling.
i also know that i will can to make it up with him if im in any way going to manage to get him into bed to try to conceive this month. the doctor says its less likely to concieve after i have completed 6 months on clomid (ovulatory drug)..but for me that means not impossible. if my hubby had sais he didnt feel like it now, maybe later, or i dont want you getting your hopes up then fine. but no communication isnt good. im aware i may seem high maintainance, but christ, this is important to me, i dont hassle him to do or be anything else.
im finding writing this is cathartic, exactly why i came back on blog. i hope that through writing my thoughts down i gain some perspective, see the other side of the story. thats great presuming i can be objective...when it come to having a baby, i suppose i will always be more emotive. rest assured, he will be my hero again in few days.
calm, think calm, calm, calm!!
